Don't mess this up!
Disclaimer: Calstuff and/or the opinions expressed are not
affiliated with the University of California, Berkeley.
Tenants' Rights Week
by Jason Overman
Site Feed (ATOM)
Add to LJ Friends
Cal Patriot Blog
UC Berkeley Livejournal
California Patriot Watch
The Bird House
Cal Prof on everything
Rants & Raves
Full Time Whiner
Cal "Frat" Boy
Jewish Students Blog
Soft Boiled Life
I Fought the Law
Ne Quid Nimis
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Latest article I'm submitting to the Squelch:
The Absolutely Coolest Commencement Speech Ever
by Kevin Deenihan
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2002,
With jetpacks, you can soar through the air like a beautiful, Cal-graduating Bird, using the special smoke attachments to spell your name over major sporting events and concerts. At every exit you will find a jetpack, customizable like cellphones with different color faceplates.
Today you are alumni. Tomorrow you will have jetpacks. The day after that, perhaps some sort of time-travel device, and you can start all over again. For you are Cal Alumni, and all is possible for you. Attempt to read the mind of the person sitting next to you. Easy, isn't it? It is a gift from the Cog Sci department. You will find every department has given you a gift such as that. From the Engineering department, you can now shape your arms into a blade made of living metal. From the Entomology department, you have been provided with your own personal swarm of bees. YOUR bees. Not anyone else's bees.
You can do all this because you are graduating from UC Berkeley, and that should be explanation enough. Imagine you have twenty dollar bills in your pockets. Now check. That's right; they're actually hundred dollar bills. If you imagine you have hundred dollar bills, you will find pure gold. By breathing the air and eating the food of this blessed land, you have gained powers beyond normal men and women. By graduating, you have unlocked these godlike abilities. Want Dove Bars? Bam. Dove Bars.
None must know the truth to your mystical reconfiguration. We keep the secret from outsiders well. To non-Cal Alumni, our flying cars and moon colonies look like odd clouds and craters. To outsiders, you will appear to lead normal lives, driving Volvos, starting Silicon Valley firms, and being 40-45% Asian on average. But use your powers. Fight crime. Battle our Palo Alto enemies and their Netherworldly allies. Get the license plate holder. But above all, remember the University that took you from a lowly student and accelerated your evolution into a above-human superrace, thanks to a joint gift from the MCB and Nuclear Engineering department. Come to football games, donate generously to alumni events, and spend time defending our invisible floating superfortress, OskiOne, from interstellar attack.
I know this may be a bit much for some of you, particularly the Rhetoric majors. But accept your powers with grace and dignity. You are the Ubermensch. You are Cal Grads.
And, unfreezing time, I will turn you over to your scheduled Commencement speaker, Hillary Clinton. Please give her your full attention, and refrain from using your X-Ray vision to look at her underwear.