Patriot editor KG Barnett reports that the money has been flowing, thanks to well-wishers across the nation.

I'll mention two of the best:

A Professor at USC wishes to donate in memory of Daniel Pearl, once a colleague of his. (And, incidentally, a member of my fraternity, ADPhi)

Another person out of Texas volunteered to pay for the entire replacement cost of the issue. That's a couple of grand.

Thanks to the two above, and all others who donated.

The new print run should be out sometime next week. Barring any arrests or other developments, Calstuff will be back to its usual staple of local government, student politics, and random Berkeley miscellany. In other words, I'm saying goodbye to all my sweet, sweet hits until late next week.

Before you go, please note the Amazon tipbox. We students are poor.


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Turns out Berdahl is even more upset than anyone thought.

The word on campus is that Dean Kenney had to convince Berdahl to tone down the original letter, which called for the 'Conviction' of the scoflaws responsible. This was changed to 'prosecution.'

Beware, evildoers! The Chancellor has been enraged!
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The Thursday Daily Cal, which means Opinion. Roundup time.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: Hands down, Chancellor Berdahl. In its entirety:

Theft of publications or any interference with the access of individuals or groups to freedom of expression is unconscionable behavior ("Copies of California Patriot Stolen; Publication Staff Allegedly Harassed," Feb. 27). Such actions are completely antithetical to the values that form the foundation of our democracy, and such actions are particularly egregious in an educational setting. Over the past few years, there have been several instances of this behavior. These acts diminish our community. Despite heightened attention by the campus police and the Office of Student Life, we have not yet been able to identify the perpetrators. We will continue to do our utmost to identify those responsible, and we will bring criminal and student charges to bear on those individuals.

As usual, it's a bit dry, but there's a couple of decisive breaks from his past responses.

1. It makes reference to past attacks, drawing clear parallels. Before, every paper-stealing or book burning was taken on its own terms, with the ideologies involved being ignored and no blame being placed. But this ties all the attacks together as one giant community-dimishing whole.

2. It vows to bring in those responsible in the strongest terms. 'Perpetrators' and declarations to bring criminal charges? Unusual.

I could say that my previous calls for a harsh anti-Berdahl letter now look completely unwarranted.. but that wouldn't be Kevin!

Instead, I think it seems obvious that Berdahl read Calstuff and, fearing its calls for his head on a stick, decided to come down hard on criminals! Calstuff gets results!Email This Post!

Here's the op-ed the Patriot is sending to the Daily Cal tomorrow.

It's well-written and the thrust towards the Administration is spot on. I'd've been much more fiery, tho. Get close and personal with Chancellor Berdahl. He can safely ignore a respectful Op-ed; ignoring one full of piss and vinegar is tougher to dismiss.

It’s Time to Defend Free Speech

For years free speech has been under attack at U.C. Berkeley. Now it’s time to defend it.

In the fall of 2000, guest speaker Daniel Flynn was shouted down by an angry mob of people as he tried to talk about the facts of the Mumia Abu Jamal case. A year ago, David Horowitz made national headlines when the Daily Cal apologized for printing his advertisement criticizing reparations for slavery. Just a few months ago, thousands of issues of the Daily Californian were stolen and destroyed by students outraged over a controversial cartoon. And now, the office of the Berkeley College Republicans has been broken into and the entire press run of the California Patriot has been stolen.

As leaders of the Berkeley College Republicans and California Patriot, this is extremely frustrating not only because our office was broken into and our property was stolen, but also because it represents a form of thought-policing tactics unimaginable on the campus where the free speech movement was born. More troublesome, however, is that these events do not come as a surprise because it’s happened before and it will likely happen again.

Students have heard the university pay lip service to the importance of diverse perspectives and unhindered expression, but in recent years it’s been all talk and no walk.

If the University truly supports free speech it must act to defend it. If there is to be a free exchange of ideas on this campus, the University cannot sit idly by as thousands of publications are stolen year after year. Now is the time for the University to not only talk about free speech, but to defend its ideals, which should be an essential part of every college campus.

We call upon Chancellor Berdahl and his administration to pursue individuals who undermine free speech through actions that violate state law and campus regulations – both now and in the future. This sort of felonious conduct should not be tolerated, and we feel that it is the University’s responsibility to make this a safe academic environment for all students and all perspectives.

Purchasing an ad in the Daily Cal condemning these acts and pleading for people to get along will not be good enough. The administration has done that in the past and has seen little change. To defend free speech is to remove any presence on campus that undermines this guiding principle. Whether it be through punishing the leaders of offending student groups, the withdrawal of university and student monies going to these groups or individuals, or ultimately, arrests and prosecution, there must be consequences. These campus marauders have been able to run roughshod over any university regulation, law, or policy for decades. Consequences must be dealt not only to punish the offenders, but also to set an example that this kind of sanctioned thought theft will no longer be tolerated.

As Mario Savio said in December of 1964 when discussing free speech at Berkeley, “In our free-speech fight at the University of California, we have come up against what may emerge as the greatest problem of our nation -- depersonalized, unresponsive bureaucracy.” Mario, we know what you mean. Some things never change.

Robb McFadden, President of the Berkeley College Republicans
Kelso G. Barnett, Publisher of the California Patriot

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Media fallout today...

Despite the Daily Cal's insistence that the story merits below the fold at best, more wires have picked it up then their lead: 'Mayor Dean calls for Firefighter pay raise.' Those wacky news services don't know what they've got.

Besides Instapundit, there's been stories at Opinion Journal and National Review.

NBC Local news did a segment for the six o'clock news. Their new bit: the thieves entered through a crawlspace in the roof, not through the door. This argues that the perps must have good knowledge of the little known secrets of Eshleman Hall, which MECHA does. Overall, a good segment with heavy quotes from KG Barnett, the Patriot's Editor in Chief. The best part was the rebuttal from MECHA to the charge they harassed Patriot-eers yesterday. 'As far as I could tell, they were harassing us.'

Not only is this shockingly untrue, it's also completely impossible: there's no way to identify a MECHA member unless they come up and identify themselves. There's no way a Patriot person initiated some sort of harassment. MECHA had to start it. They also apparently plan to sue the Patriot. Libel lawyers everywhere are lining up to take that case, I'm sure.

Tonight MECHA will pack the ASUC Senate to bitch at Republican Senator James Gallagher. I can't attend, but hopefully a Calstuff Correspondent will be on the scene.

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A few people have asked how to donate to the Cal Patriot. Three ways.

1. Direct mail to

Berkeley Conservative Foundation
P.O. Box 4428
Berkeley, CA 94704

2. Paypal

3. Amazon (Should be up shortly)

If possible, include address and name to get a subscription. Email This Post!

Maybe I got a little overexcited down there.

My sources have hinted that they're pretty certain about who wrote the strange parody screed about the Republicans. Not sure if that corresponds to the burglars.

This is the Article on MECHA that the Patriot-eers think provoked the burglary.

Nevermind the item below about there being security cameras. Apparently, and the Executive VP only found this out today as well, those cameras have been broken for several years.

I shouldn't be so tough on EVP Justin. Security, while nominally his concern, is really under the purview of the building manager. There isn't anything I or anyone else would've or could've done differently. And as soon as Justin found out about the break-in, he took all the right steps in contacting the police and working with the Patriot-eers. So kudos to him.Email This Post!

Guess what!

Another Calstuff exclusive! Guaranteed to be on the front page of the Daily Cal tomorrow morning.

UPDATE: It's on the front page, all right.. in the bottom-left corner. This boring, possibly libelous story on stupid frat boys is the lead. Stanley Kurtz of the National Review has already slammed the journalistic priorities demonstrated.

I mentioned yesterday that the new Cal Patriot was out, featuring my article on the ASUC. There were two controversial articles: an article on MECHA, the semi-nationalist Latino group on campus, and one on ISO/Anti-War, which I've already posted here. I've never read the MECHA one, because I couldn't get ahold of a copy today. I'm sure it's as firebrand Republican-y as anything the Patriot has ever written.

Reason being, last night someone broke into the Patriot's Office on the third floor of Eshleman Hall and stole the entire print run. Not just a simple walk-in, walk-out theft, either. The door was locked.

Right now 9/10's of the Republicans on campus are on Sproul plaza, fuming about it. To add insult to their injury, someone wrote a parody screed about Republicans and flyered campus with it.

Executive VP Justin Christensen didn't find out about the break in until I told him, in another triumph for Eshleman Security.

Has to be MECHA who engineered it. One of their members apparently asked Patriot Editor KG where the Patriot office was, after all. In addition, they're on almost the same floor as the Patriot-eers. Motive, opportunity, and probably means. The better question is: who else knew about it? All these ethnic organizations are surprisingly tight-knit, and I'm sure many of them know who was planning it.

Some of Eshleman has security cameras, so perhaps we'll get to see some faces, too.

Ready for some rough and tumble controversy with the jerk Leftist types as the bad guys? I know I am!

Yo!



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Might as well give a short rundown on the various Berkeley publications while I'm on the topic. They've been stacking up by my desk. I'll employ Kausfiles' Patented Series-Skipper Technology to give out the highlights. (Unlike Kaus, I'll be doing entire magazines at a time.)

X

HEADLINE: The brash newcomer onto the Berkeley scene, and a fascinating magazine.

GIST: A joint publication of La Voz, Hardboiled, Onyx Express, and Al Bayan. These are, respectively, the Latino, Asian, Black, and Muslim student publications, all mashed into one big ethnic mixandmatch. The focus is on generally minority issues (whitewashing, interracial dating, immigration,) coupled with a Left-wing/Identity outlook.

LAYOUT: Highly impressive. Strong tinge of former Hardboileds, but that might be just me. (I only really got ahold of Hardboiled, of those four.) Unfortunately, every single bit of text is italicized, which really starts to grind.

BEST QUOTE: '...any attempt to deny equal representation of critical Chinese History in a 'comparative politics' course would be like a discussion of fluttering white doves, flapping long black leather jackets, and blazing double guns without mentioning John Woo'

QUICKEST ARTICLE TO GET TO THE POINT: 'The United States prides itself for having been built on the principles of equality, democracy, and justice since birth, yet its trajectory has been a living experiment in robbery, ethnocentrism, and genocide.'

KEVIN'S GRADE: A, despite the knowledge that me grading X will bug every member in it. It isn't the competitor to the 'Shady Cal' that it wants to be, but it's the best political magazine on campus. Not that I agree with, y'know, anything that they say, but the 'level of discourse' measure has shot up the charts.


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The new Cal Patriot is out. This noticeable mainly because my article on the ASUC is included.

Haven't picked up my own copy yet, but it appears Rory's article on the Anti-War/ISO types is the cover story. More coverage to follow once I get a full copy.Email This Post!

Calstuff welcomes Student Advocate-Designate and new Calstuff reader Salam Rafeedie to the crew! (Please note corrected spelling of first name.)

I'm sure she'll agree that all Berkeley residents-- and members of the media nationwide-- should monitor Calstuff like several hungry hawks!
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Roommate Dave has pointed me towards this perfect story about Berkeley.

Best quote: 'By the time the camp is finished, "the spirit of expression has filled their brains and hearts," said Jamison, artistic director of Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. "This energy is often transferred to their families, motivating them to make improvements in their lives as well.'

The camp involves 'ballet, modern, jazz and West African dance.' not to mention 'writing, photography and studio art classes and receive counseling in nutrition, conflict resolution, drug abuse prevention, decision-making and goal setting,' and 'Science, math skills, basic engineering, computer science' (I made that one up.)

Speaking as an Economist, I give three cheers to camps like this. Go for it. You seem excited, motivated, and well-trained. But what does bother me is the priorities established. The 'private and corporate donors' who funded this camp could also've helped the Berkeley school district dig itself out of a 4 million dollar budget shortfall. Or funded another program with a wide applicability to young middle school students. Instead, they've funded one with a very narrow appeal: dance and ballet are speciality pursuits. Even a typical camp with a wider range or some sort of scholarship program would've had wider appeal.

Oh well. I hate to complain about charity when there's so much worse out there.Email This Post!

I missed this story on Thursday about the vain attempts of External VP Josh Fryday to establish a more-heavily student dominated District in the redistricting game the Berkeley City Council plays.

Kudos go to Mr. Fryday for being so tenacious. Out of all four Executives this year I ranked him first for effort. But this is a lost cause for even the most capable External VP, for thousands of thousands of reasons. Here's the three most important:

1. Students have no political clout

The way to win the game is to have either a small group of very tenacious activists, IE most of the neighborhood groups, or a reasonably large group of vaguely discontented people, IE most of the school-related stuff. Cal has a very, very large group of people who don't give the slightest damn. Every City Council member knows that Fryday walks into their office without any significant backing, no matter how well he hides it. It shows in the way Fryday is reduced to pleading the fairness of it all, instead of a more powerful arbitrating position.

2. The ASUC is being too threatening

Here's where I think the ASUC is screwing up. They haven't defined their goal as enlarging the power of students, but as the much more ambitious one of installing a Student on the City Council. Sounds great for students, but there's the tricky fact that for a student to get on, someone else has to lose. In a remarkably tense atmosphere like the City Council, barging in without popular support in favor of the 'Get Rid of One of You Bastards' plan isn't a great idea.

Not only that, but Fryday seems to think the current rep, Kriss Worthington, should be pleased that we're trying to unseat him.

1."This whole process is run by people who are only concerned with keeping themselves in power," Fryday said.

"The ballot amendment, Fryday said, may give Worthington a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of Fryday and the ASUC."

3. Kriss Worthington is smart

Not only is the ASUC actively attempting to overthrow a member of the City Council, but they're trying to overthrow the most powerful member on it. Kriss Worthington, the current representative of the foreseen 'student district,' is the unofficial leader of the controlling Progressive faction. Let me say that again: out of nine possible targets, Fryday is taking on the most powerful of the nine. Just in terms of pure power politics, this would pretty much guarantee failure.

(Not to blame Fryday for this; it's pure coincidence that the only district capable of being student-majority is also Worthington's. But it still hurts.)

Not only that, however, but Worthington has proven a master of talking out both sides of his mouth.

He could be honest and say something like 'Look, I do what I can to represent students. I go to Senate meetings, help with lighting up Southside, and generally do my job. But I'm not gonna participate in my own destruction vis a vis Redistricting, especially when I'm in a life and death struggle with the Moderates.'

But instead he's pretending to be utterly confused as to why this district thing just can't pass.

While Councilmember Kriss Worthington says he is UC Berkeley students' biggest ally on the council, he was one of the plan's biggest opponents. Worthington cast one of only two votes against the proposal.

"For something called a student plan, I'm sure it meant well but it wasn't practical," he said.

(I've seen some other mealy-mouthed quotes in earlier news stories that I'm too lazy to link to.)

Hopefully, Fryday's master plan is to ask high and settle for a reasonable increase in Worthington's district. That me might get. But a student-run district is a pipe dream for years yet.
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Instapundit beats me to this commentary from the Weekly Standard on the Sexuality Class. Bockhorn has obviously not been reading Calstuff; he asserts that

Last semester's "Male Sexuality" course featured an orgy; a party game involving matching anonymous Polaroid shots of students' genitalia with the correct student; and a field trip to a gay strip club to watch course instructors strip and have sex.

despite reasonable proof that these activities were done outside of class.

Doesn't really matter, since he just wants the opportunity to rail against Sexuality classes in general, under the idea that 'Do today's college kids really need help talking about sex?' Of course they don't: they talk about and have sex all the time! No need for a class. You'd almost expect him to go on to complain about English classes, since Kids These Days talk in English all the time. It's obvious why he doesn't: English classes at Cal take a kid reasonably exposed to literature and expand on that. Well, same goes for the Sexuality Class. If he wants to argue that expanding Sexual knowledge is a bad thing, fine. But don't make lame arguments like that one.

His 'putting in perspective' paragraph is spot on, though.

Every year or two, courses like this appear on the national media's radar screen, and the inevitable Kabuki dance begins: Conservatives display the requisite outrage, university administrators stammer in defense of "academic freedom," and eventually the whole mess blows over. Depending on how extreme the content is, the course either disappears forever, or returns a year or two later in barely modified form, sans outrage. (The Wesleyan course was killed by embarrassed administrators; the Michigan course, however, returned intact last fall, with much less hullabaloo.)

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The Sexuality class controversy has escalated to a National thing, embarassing Cal's fragile reputation even further. Apparently it's been in both the NY and LA Times, along with the NBC Nightly News and local news outlets throughout the country. The usual wave of 'Berkeley is full of yuppie morons' letters has flooded the Daily Cal's opinion page.

I don't mind the usual Berkeley controversy, but I do mind an imaginary one. And this one is completely imaginary, based on the lazy reporting of writer Brittany Adams. (This is a picture of her midriff, by the way. She posed for the Daily Cal's REview section.) My insiders at the Daily Cal let me know they were considering printing up to three paragraphs worth of corrections. They settled for an Ombudsman report sometime next week.

So it's up to Kevin! to debunk this silly game.

The criticism of the Sexuality Class is based on three false conclusions.

1. The Orgies were held as part of the class curriculum.
2. Students received class credit for Orgies.
3. The Sexuality Classes are an integral part of the course curriculum.

Uno: Orgies held as part of the curriculum.

Untrue! Adams' wrote this:

A party organized for the male sexuality class was held in the home of some of the course's instructors after the class's year-end outing to a strip club last semester. There, some of the students engaged in sexual activity.

The key words here are 'organized for the male sexuality class,' which sound like the Orgy was organized 'for' the class, instead of 'by members of the class.'

In a letter to the Daily Cal, one of the instructors emphasized 'we also arrange parties outside of class' That's right: Outside of class.

Adams' compounds the error by writing

A party organized for the male sexuality class was held in the home of some of the course's instructors after the class's year-end outing to a strip club last semester. There, some of the students engaged in sexual activity.

That's all true, but somehow the 'year-end' part got dropped from the rest of the article. The Instructor clarified: 'We do have an end of the semester party where we go out to a strip club. '

How can this be part of the class when the semester has ended? Classes are over! The oversexed people who attended these things arranged something after class. Considering the level of hormones floating around, I'm surprised they managed to hold on until after the semester has finished off. To reiterate: student sexual exploits were outside the class, and they received no credit for them.

The accusation that the general course content is stupid holds no water. First off, why now? The class has been going on for over five years. It's been no secret that along with more typical stuff like class discussion of human sexuality and guest speakers there's the ocassional learning trip to a Strip Club. I've heard no complaints about the rest of the content, so why the outcry over this one, small, facet? Would a course on Marine Mammals be invalidated if we got to spend a day petting dolphins? If the naysayers were arguing that the inclusion of strip clubs demeans the rest of the material, that's fine. But they're arguing that the strip clubs invalidates the whole class, which there's no proof for.

Part of the problem is that Adams didn't specify what the course content is, making it appear the crux of the course was vapid expressions of personal sexuality. Actually, it involves

'The male sexuality class is a robust course covering a universe of topics, from masturbation and sex toys to pornography and safe sex. The class features an extensive reader, a plenitude of guest speakers (including Carol Queen, Cleo Du Bois, and James Green), and emotional in-class discussion.'

A path towards a meaningful education? Probably not. An interesting supplemental class? Certainly. And that's all anyone's ever claimed it to be.

And let me put the class in perspective compared to the rest of Cal. It's meaningless. No one takes DeCal courses for the credit; they take it for the experience. These classes frequently involve as much hard work as a typical 3-4 unit class, while only granting a meaningless 1-2 units. (I'm taking 20 this semester.) The only classes that are meaningful for units are Breadth Requirements, Major requirements, and Reading and Writing Requirements. DeCals are taken for love of the material.

A pox on you, Brittany Adams! Your salacious reporting and lazy construction of events has confused us all. And a pox on you, mainstream news, for failing to recognize the triviality of this story.

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So we've had the first controversy of the semester. Disappointingly, it's this stupid Sexuality class one. Apparently it made the NBC Nightly News on Sunday.

I'm amazed this made the nightly news. First off, the original article was horribly written. It failed to establish its basic premise: that all the nasty-orgy stuff was done as part of the class. Instead, its increasingly clear that all the orgasm stuff was done more or less on the side by a small subgroup of the people involved in the class. Class units didn't go into it.

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And while I'm on the topic of Palestinians, the APPLE Party agreed to endorse one of their more prominent members for the position of Student Advocate. Student Advocate, for those who don't know, is the fifth Executive in the ASUC. She represents students with their legal problems in the University, including cheating and grade disputes. Traditionally it's been a non-partisan position, with the previous year's Chief of Staff being unanimously nominated for next year's Advocate.

Salam Rafeedie is this year's nominee. She was my Resident Assistant in the dorms last year; cheerful lady. The entire office supports her, she's party neutral, she's well-trained, and everything is absolutely perfect about her except for lingering suspicions that she hates Jews.

Salam is also a member of Students for Justice in Palestine, whose mantra is 'We don't hate Jews, we hate Zionists.' So here's the concern: can we nominate in good faith someone who may be a member of SJP first and Student Advocate second? Is she really willing to represent ALL students, regardless of ethnicity, faith, or position?

Personally, I think yes. So I voted for her. But I'll be watching her like several hungry hawks. After all, in her interview with Student Action she declared 'I will not run {on the same ticket} with a Zionist.' She also said 'I'm Salaam first and Student Advocate seventy-seventh.' in her interview with us. But she also promised to be totally viewpoint neutral, and I trust that. Email This Post!

I was supposed to go the the Students for Justice in Palestine Conference over the weekend, but there was confusion over my press pass and payment, so I took the opportunity to bone up on my Math instead. I was told the Press Conference was on the second floor of the Student Union, but the only thing there was a chess tournament for way-young kids.

That part was a little unnerving, since my first thought was 'Geez.. these kids are members of SJP? And they're all excellent chess players?' Training their minds to prepare for running the new Palestinian state, no doubt.

My article for the Patriot will be called 'Palestine, sooner or later.' It'll be an article on how the Palestinian folk foresee their State, assuming they ever get one.

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For some reason Drudge has linked to this story about a Berkeley DeCal that devolved into a bit of an orgy. No one got hurt, the Administrators took swift action as soon as the allegations came to light, and no laws were broken. So who cares except Matt Drudge?

I think he might believe this class is an established part of the course curriculum. Not true; it's a DeCal, a student-run course with minimal instructor oversight. Granted, it's been a badly-kept secret that the Sexuality class is like the SATs for campus sluts. The ones who make it are the best of the best. Or the worst. Whatever.

Maybe it's the connection to Women's Studies, as a kind of 'tee-hee, stupid feminists' thing. Could be.

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While we're on the topic of Berkeley publications, might as well bring up the long-term prospects of one nearer and dearer to my heart: the Berkeley Political Review.

I could complain about the density of Egos involved in that magazine, or the lack of discipline among Editors and Writers. I also disagree with the vision for it and the direction it's going in. But those are either minor complaints or derivatives of my own ego; of course I think I know better how to run it, I'm THE MIGHTY KEVIN DEENIHAN!

I'm reasonably sure the magazine is going to struggle for another, simpler reason: lack of money. There is not enough money out there to sustain four print runs a year at about $1000 apiece.

Ultimately, a magazine at Berkeley has two sources of revenue: Grants and Ads. BPR is currently publishing thanks to the first one, as Matteen wrangled a controversial $2000+_grant from the ASUC. Thanks partly to that grant, the ASUC has subsequently tightened its rules for funding publications, which typically restrict grants to well under $500 for first year groups. BPR also got a nominal $200 from the Poli Sci department. Ironically and stupidly, the University refuses to fund BPR because the ASUC has already done so. Even assuming Matteen can pull $1500-2000 from various University groups every year, that's still well short of needed revenue.

That leaves ad revenue. Pavneet Singh, my old Stanfurd roomie, is our capable Business manager. Yet I'm not sure even a remarkably competent guy like Pav can sell enough ads to survive. The Squelch, with a much larger print run and widespread appeal, still struggles to get ad revenue. And Squelch is a well-established institution with good business ties. BPR is a first year publication with relatively esoteric appeal and a much smaller print run. Not only that, but one out of the two issues so far have been delayed. That doesn't build trust.

BPR could be on a sounder financial footing if it didn't use the high-quality paper stock/color printing that it does. But Matteen's dream is to compete and vanquish the Harvard Political Review, which means appearances count. Printing on the typical grey trash Berkeley publications are forced to use looks bad.

Best of luck, BPR, but Berkeley is an unfriendly place to support a new publication no matter what the quality.



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The new Satellite is out.

Satellite is a strange beast; a literary arts/entertainment/politics/poetry piece. It's completely terrible, but it appears the new Editor realizes this:

Satellite is under new leadership.

Hello.

Next issue we're really going to try, and it is still going to be the worst. The result of our best efforts, I predict, will be sixteen pages worth of terse, wordy, hyper-analytical drivel. The product of what the Naturals call "trying." "It seems like you're trying," they say. Or better yet, the complete opposite.

But at least next issue, the problem found in this issue will be solved.

If you haven't noticed yet, let me point it out to you. Take a look at the table of contents just below this note. Are there any similarities? Is there any unifying message/aesthetic/idea that brings these articles together? The answer is no. There is no reason why these articles should be packaged by this magazine. The problem with this issue is that the only thing bringing these articles together is convenience.

This is a convenient magazine.

Only arbitrary circumstances bring this paper together. And this is not a recent development. The former editors were seemingly more successful at creating the illusion of unity. By utilizing magazine gimmickry and theoretical sloganry, they were able to package a product that advertised its own coherence. Ultimately, however, the products were the same: a potpourri of fleeting interests, miscalculations, and unrestrained egotism all under the irreparably flawed guise of an uber-hip, cultured/esoteric posture. Sure, some say they enjoy writing. I laugh.

But why attempt to extinguish this tradition? Instead, I propose to cultivate this mania. Specifically, we will no longer reserve constructing the illusion of meaning with jingoistic catch phrases and copping some sleek avant-garde style in the post-editing process as means of signifying, "Oh yes, we are important, we are cool, we know that Raygun is passe, etc."

In other words, I propose substance. Or, to say the very least, to expertly tuck the messes away into the hem of this miserable garment with silvery threads of coherence. Now, while the promise of glittering misery sounds not like a promise at all, ideally, this exercise will.

This is an invitation. We need new writers. Come to our meetings. Wednesdays at 7pm in 5A Eshleman, on the UC-Berkeley campus. Write an article. Draw a pretty picture. Find yourself a girl/boyfriend.

Not much to add to this apt self-analysis, besides the whining note that it's just as self-concious and 'word-hip' as the tedious writing it condemns. That's being unkind, tho.

For all the teary-eyed 'We Suck' sentiment, this is actually a reasonably good Satellite. This is partly because it settles down into a Rolling Stone-esque reviewing mag, with the occasional other article. This doesn't make it a good magazine, as the reviews are sharply skewed towards very specific indy-type music, but it does provide some sort of identity. The Nader article is even legible, if inconclusive.Email This Post!

My new Squelch article:

I can Impregnate all of you
by Kevin Deenihan

Yes indeedy, circle of girls surrounding my desk, it appears that you have all outscored me on our Math 1B midterm. Some of you are laughing about your too-high score with (also-female) friends, while others have modestly glanced at your score before putting the paper in your Hello Kitty festooned feminine pink/purple backpack. I'll bet you'd find it hilarious that you got a 96 whereas I got a 69. Ha ha ha.

I can laugh about this, because your math-superiority means nothing to me. You see, I can impregnate all of you.

Do you know how much sperm I have within my angry red testicles? Billions. Billions of sperm. And all I need is one of them, carefully aimed, to knock you up like Hugh Grant's Wife in Nine Months. Let me put that in perspective: if all my sperm were lined end to end, they'd circle the moon several times before flying back into your uterus on Earth. To give my sperm names, I'd have to go through tens of thousands of baby books. Maybe even more books than that, because my sperm are strong, mighty sperm and can't be given foofy-poofy names like 'Timmy' and 'Mikey.' No, my sperm will be named 'Adrian' and 'Hercules,' or possibly 'Apollo.'

What, you say your eggs are safely contained behind several layers of clothing and crossed legs? It matters not; my sperm need no easy flight via penis. Bam, bam, bam, I have impregnated three of you, just by ordering my sperm to go forth and do my bidding.. They have access to teleportation. They have magical powers. They can ride the mystical winds past any layers of panties. That girl behind me, who got the 93? Even now my sperm has equipped itself and has transported itself to just behind her uvula. Entering the uvula is like winning chess games against three year olds for my sperm.

On the pill? I laugh. My sperm are not the weak, stupid sperm you see running into each other on Health class videos. They have thick, powerful tails and an unerring sense of direction. It is but child's play to travel down the fallopian tube and forcibly drag an egg kicking and screaming into the uterus. Menstruating? No more; my sperm need that rich uterine lining. They have the technology. They can put it back. I shall keep your now-clean tampon as a war trophy.

And don't think your X chromosome will get equal say in the formation of my child. My sperm have no need of your weak genetic alleles. I laugh at your alleles; they are like half or one quarter of my alleles. My sperm shall allow our child to have your black hair, and also perhaps your eyes. But kiss your genetic predisposition towards math skills goodbye; I destroy it, just to spite you.

My child already grows, foregoing the zygote stage entirely. If he wanted to, he could burst from your stomach like the creature in Alien. But my child is benevolent, and will allow you to carry him to term. He shall be born in three months! Be prepared! Praise my Sperm!

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Good example of the way the Left has completely abandoned Science as a method for finding ways to improve society.

I feel no need to really trash Bauce. He clearly lives in a world that I can't even begin to debate, where 'facts' and 'science' can be 'dismissed' by the scientifically proven 'practice' of putting them in 'air quotes.' Although I do wonder why he writes

The “communications” tower currently being debated in these pages has no place in a community that values the health and well-being of its citizens.

I didn't know that the fact the tower is used as a radio relay station was in doubt.

The departure from Science is similar to Bush's soundness on foreign policy and complete disengenuity on the budget. When the facts are behind you, it's easy to promote a plan. When they aren't, it calls for a combination of rhetorical exercises, questioning the questioner, and other tricks that avoid disinterested analysis.
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Woo-Hoo, I know the Executive Slates for this year!

Remember, you heard it here first. Not in the Daily Cal, not in the Patriot, right here.

President: Jesse Gabriel

Analysis: Classic Student Action choice. Their most popular Senator, good ties to the Greek community and Mock Trial, among others. Outspoken and oft-quoted in the Daily Cal.

Interesting Because: Earlier in the year, he fought bitterly against party leaders on several issues, leading most outsiders to conclude he'd be passed over for President. We thought Cutter W or some other old-timer would pick up the mantle. But Jesse appears to have fallen into line on most issues. Just yesterday, no doubt at the request of party leaders, he was lying about whether or not he was nominated.

Beatability: Relatively High. If the nominee was Fryday or Cutter W, outsiders would be screwed. But Jesse doesn't have a large following of his own, and will have to rely on Student Action's machine to win. Doubtful he can bring 600 people to vote for him. Certainly a tough competitor, but not depressingly so.

Executive Vice-President: Han Hong

Analysis: Student Action always nominates an Asian girl for something, and apparently it's Han's turn. The Triple A candidate. Not especially distinguished in Senate, but not vulnerable like the well-hated Jen Lee. Plus she's pretty sexy, so I'm told. (Not my type.)

Interesting Because: Not really interesting. We knew there'd be an Asian female from AAA; the only blank was the name.

Beatability: Relatively Low. Doesn't have the organization, but AAA candidates have a way of winning. Can depend on a relatively large following. Will only need to put out a moderate performance to beat our candidate.

External Affairs Vice-President: Jimmy ?

Analysis: The most shocking candidate, hands down. I'm not sure on Jimmy's last name, but he's the President of one of Berkeley's large African-American Fraternities. I'd love to see how he got nominated, since it must've been a hell of a political calculation. First of: Why a Black guy? Is SA making a play for the Black students on campus? They knew the attempt would piss hell out of cal-SERVE, and they've already accomplished that. Cal-SERVE is very pissed. Second, why External? SA can draw on numerous campus activists with respectable ties to the University and state-wide political institutions. To go all out with the outsider is very interesting.

Interesting Because: This creates big turmoil inside Cal-SERVE. Cal-SERVE has represented the minority interests at this campus for around 18 years, and the cornerstone of that has been support from Blacks and Latinos. To have a respected African-American campus leader go with SA has any amount of implications. It could be an isolated case, or it could mean that Cal-SERVE has lost support from their traditional base. If that's true, Jimmy could destroy Cal-SERVE.

Beatability: Medium to Low. Even if Cal-SERVE is dying, they'll be fighting Jimmy for every inch of his natural turf: minority students. He'll have to coattail off the other Executives if he hopes to win. It's possible he has a tie to an organization that I don't know about... this guy comes out of left field.

Academic Affairs Vice-President: Tony Falcone

Analysis: Tony clearly manuvered himself into this position. Doesn't have lots of ties to campus organizations, not especially well-liked, but very well-connected and absolutely wanted to be AAVP. A strange mix of a candidate: he's one of the biggest policy wonks ever seen, who works harder in the Senate than just about everybody. But he's also a very committed SA person who doesn't mind Wally and Justin's sluggishness this year.

Interesting Because: Why Academic? His ties are to External VP type stuff: University and State contacts. He doesn't know anything about Academic Senate, UCSA, or even who the Student Regent is. His project list for AAVP will turn the office around 180 degrees from the direction it currently pursues. Could be the right way to go, but even competent Executives find reorganizing an established office hard.

Beatability: Medium to High. Too much of an ASUC insider, and can be slimed due to active advocacy of shady SA tactics. The typical SA person does Shady stuff but keeps it quiet; Tony tries to make a virtue of them. Also, Cal-SERVE has a comfortable relationship in the AAVP office and doesn't want to give it up.


So that's SA's candidates! I'll give the rundown of APPLEs in a week or two.
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Chinese New Year, which is naturally a big deal at Berkeley. This is the Year of the Horse.

Someday I'll write a long essay on ethnic organizations at Berkeley. They're entirely harmless in the sense that all they do is serve as a kind of Singles' Bar. But the rough relationship between activist-ethnic types and meet-women-ethnic types of groups is interesting.

I'll also write an essay on Asian-American culture, which is an amazing blend of every single type of culture available in the US. The way the composite resembles little of its components is waiting for a good writeup. Although it's probably already been done.
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My sorta-new ambition is to join the Order of the Golden Bear, Berkeley's semi-secret society.

For the unitiated, the Order is a group of about 200 students handpicked by three current members. It's kind of a genteel debating society of the best and brightest on campus, with extremely fun overtones of secrecy and brotherhood. I love secret stuff. I want in.

Over the summer the Daily Cal's stupid columnist Dev authored two columns exposing the OGB as a goat-slaughtering cabal, which provoked some interesting responses on the Opinion Page. His second article gets to the real reason: Dev wants in.

Of course, if you express interest you'll never be invited. That's the way it is. It's also why President Wally and Brian Bergman aren't members: tried too hard for entry.

Lord, I want in. But I doubt I will. I don't know many people, and my achievements are of the 'quiet technocrat' kind. But if any current or past members are out there: give me a call. I can slit my palms if that's necessary.Email This Post!

I'm back! Skiing was good.

I doubt anyone will be surprised by the differences between Idaho and Berkeley, so I won't push the point.

I was lucky enough to watch the Olympic opening ceremonies from a local bar. The crowd were good Americans: cheered the national anthem, applauded heavily the NYPD guy who sang at the opening, and listened to Bush speak. Not obsequious, just solid respect. I like that.

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Gone till Monday night thanks to Skiing. See ya.Email This Post!

There are layers upon layers to this city, where so so many layers of uncompromising activists have grated each other's nerves over the decades. I can't even begin to cover it. But this guy knows the score pretty well.Email This Post!

Last night APPLE held its first slating caucus. Attendees: possible Student Advocate Salaam, possible Executive Tony, and possible Executive Sajid.

Of the three, Tony was the most impressive, if somewhat overeager. Plus he seems to want to refocus the Academic Affairs office 180 degrees, which the numerous AA Directors in the room weren't too happy with. Sajid seems to be running because his friends want him to, which is very bad.

Salaam was the one that bothered me the most. She's an SJP member and hardcore Palestinian, so we wanted one simple statement from her: 'My personal views will not affect my work in SAO.' We didn't get that. Statements like 'I'm a person first and Student Advocate seventy-seventh' weren't very comforting.

Plus she declared herself practically off SJP, but was at the rally today holding a sign for them. Hmph.

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Students for Justice in Palestine held a small protest on Sproul today, another pathetic one. Two protests this year, one by the Anti-War folks, two complete flops. Only Bush bombing Iran with dead babies would rejuvenate the tired Activists at Berkeley right now.

I guesstimate about 20-25 people on the Palestinian side, slightly outnumbering the Israeli Counter-protestors on the opposite side. The counter-protestors were the more visible ones, handing out flyers and such. The SJP had the typical 'War Criminal' posters of Sharon, plus some signs. Very pedestrian. The 'Concentration Camps' they ran last year were much more effective. The Israelis were wearing big Jewish flags and holding an 'Israel wants peace' sign.

I question the big Israeli flag wearing. It makes them look like a legion of Semitic Superheroes. Email This Post!

The new UC Regent, Haim Saban, sucks.

Perhaps he is a competent educator; neither I nor Governor Davis know. And neither of us really care: my big complaint is the way he takes good cartoons and beats the living crap out of them.

Saban's group specializes in taking low-budget but quality animation and sucking the life and interest out of them. Their edits of Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z are legendary in the Toon Fangroup for being stupid. And this is when they're merely editing existing cartoons. When creating their own cartoons, things get ugly.

Considering Berkeley is itself a low-budget but spectacular institution, I'm a bit worried about Saban's edit of it. I'll bet the dubbing is horrible.
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Tee heeEmail This Post!

Today's Planet contains a challenge for a student to attend a City Council meeting. Very well, I accept your challenge!

Of course, we're supposed to attend to protest the cancer-causing, brain-damaging radio tower. Presumably we enlightened students will do other things the author agrees with.

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It's pretty amazing to me that the ASUC is competent enough to actually put together a working Redistricting proposal in front of the City Council. That takes a lot of effort: understanding demographic data, working with lawyers, utilizing voting patterns, and so forth. Just the effort is impressive.

Probably won't be successful, as students have no way of getting between the Moderates and Progressives. The best they can do is become a useful pawn, since both sides pay lip service to the concept of student power. I think the ASUC folks know this. Hopefully we'll get out with something close to a student district, if we work at it.

I'm not sure how they think we'd elect a student representative... but I suppose it's a nice thought.



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The 'Historical monument' idea is clearly one of those Berkeley-specific things where a innocous law with remarkably far-reaching powers wreaks havoc on the City. The commission-- unelected commission, I think-- that controls who becomes a historical monument becomes a political football for people with wacky ideas and vested interests in no development.

This concept to create a block of low-income houses as Historical marks a new low. The neighborhood that has these houses will never develop, period. It's stuck as a bunch of low-income houses forever. Maybe that's not a horrible thing, but you'd believe the residents would want the option of selling their houses to developers or hoping for higher property values someday.

Why memoralize a starting place for a group of now-higher income people, anyway? Did we dedicate the Chicago slums? The New York tenements? These are status levels people want to get away from.Email This Post!

Been gone at the Academic Affairs Office retreat, but back now.

The upcoming Elections look more boring as time approaches. Wally might not run for President, for one. He'd be the worst option for the students, but the most fun to run against. The other options are External VP Josh Fryday and Student Action President Alex Ding. Both of them are mildly corrupt, mildly arrogant, but nowhere near the level of Cutter W. Sigh.

Worst of all, this means the best I can end up as in the ASUC will be a lowly Senator next year. It's probably for the best.



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