I understand that the Daily Cal is still looking for a Sex on Tuesday columnist. I've always wanted to be one of those, so I'm gonna give a shot at writing one. Be kind. Column idea inspired by Nikki Velasco

Sex on Tuesday, by Kevin Deenihan

Loving the EECS

It's Friday night, and you've been stood up by the Usual Penis so he can go to a Strip Club. Your options are limited: watch Lifetime with your roommate, try and find a Frat party not full of drunks and glowstick clad Freshmen, or try something a little adventurerous: go to Soda Hall. That's right; you're going cruising for Engineers. And you'll find the most potent batch of masculinity ever known.

EECS majors have a terrible reputation, and that's okay. They have more than their fair share of men who see women as secondbest to their favorite anime girls, and in extreme cases, as secondbest to Mommy. Some have what you'd call 'personality quirks.'

But the reputation they receive as unwashed, skinny nerds is entirely unwarranted. And even when it is, it overlooks the number one fact of EECS men: they are volcanos of untrammelled testosterone with enough willpower and intelligence to learn whatever you wish to teach. These are people capable of spending five hours at a time looking for the single bug in 10000 lines of computer code. Your absentminded History major is perhaps capable of spending 30 seconds looking for the G-Spot before wandering off to other duties. Engineers find the G-Spot. They will bring in t-squares and calculators if it's required-- and there's a lot you can do with a t-square besides straight lines.

Wander into any computer lab. Now take your pick: there will be at least 10 guys waiting there. How often can you pick a guy with such precision? Feel like a little Asian food tonight? Try lab 5. Indian, Vanilla, all your various delicies are available for viewing and choosing. Don't be afraid to be picky: you have every chance of finding a gem somewhere in the hall, finishing up his project before heading off to the RSF to lift weights. Unfortunately, most will be in a sitting position: a bad way to check out the ass. Presume it's well toned.

Forwardness is the key. Be firm, upfront, and don't play games-- unless you've made clear you want to play games. Take advantage of your environment, too. This is building chock full of electricity, machines, and people who know how to make anything out of both. Start on top of a copying machine, just to keep it simple. Then get more complicated: you haven't lived until you've gotten spanked by a Spanking Robot. On a more serious note, don't operate heavy machinery under the influence of Engineer-loving. Things could get messy, and not in that good way.

Engineers don't take Fluid Mechanics for the credits. (Well, yes they do, but it still applies.) These are men with a greater understanding of forces and weights than anyone else at Berkeley. Tired of being crushed by a too-heavy lover? Just murmur 'Mass times velocity' to an Engineer and he'll understand instantly. Let him experiment; it's what he does best. After he gets over his shyness and is given freedom to roam, you'll be surprised by his imagination. But make very clear the parameters and expectations. EECS don't expect projects to work correctly the time, but they'll try again if they need to.

Want a quickie? That's fine; he'll return to Counterstrike with a dazed expression and you'll walk out a sated woman. But take my advice: this is an opportunity not to be missed. Do it like the Engineers do: on and on until the break of dawn. And then take a caffeine pill and start over again.

What the hell did I just WRITE?


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