First Draft submitted to the Squelch

Minor Hells

Everyone knows that Gluttons are torn apart by 'Cerberus's bloody teeth,' and the Violent boil in a River of Blood while being stabbed by centaurs. But what is Hell for the Barely Evil? Like people who think about putting in a new toilet roll and still don't do it. Or Hitler's Grandchildren. Or someone walking towards you while you're handing out Squelches, and makes eye contact while walking right towards you, but then blows by without taking his hand out of his pocket even though his non-verbal communication was shouting 'YES! I want a Squelch! Outstretch your white hand so that I may take one!'

These people go to Minor Hells, such as

THE HELL WHERE HAIR WILL NOT DRY

It's 55 degrees Farenheit… the humidity is sopping… and the towels just don't seem to work.

MIKE: Darn, my hair is still wet! I can't put headphones on!
SARAH: What, did you just get out of the shower?
MIKE: I did… THREE THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

THE HELL WHERE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYONE'S NAME

MIKE: (On Phone) Hi, we met at..um… this guy's party… and I got your phone number… I'm not sure who you are… if you remember me, I'm the red-haired guy with glasses… my name is… uh…. crap.

THE HELL WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND

MIKE: So then I say to myself, 'Mike'
LARA: Wait, you're Mike? Stacy's Mike?
MIKE: …Yes
LARA: Oh, then you're the guy with the… (Giggles) Wow. It's so weird that I'm actually meeting 'The Mike.'
MIKE: We're in Hell! No it's not!

THE HELL WHERE JESUS IS ALWAYS SECOND-GUESSING YOU

JESUS: So you know you're going to the ATM, but still don't bring those checks you have to get cashed. And then once you're at the bank, you find a check for $45 in your wallet, and decide to cash it even though it takes 20 minutes and you'll have to come back tomorrow with another check to cash….
MIKE: Jesus, stop it!
JESUS: Hey Mike, it's called 'Hell,' not 'Jesus shuts up Land.'

THE HELL WHERE YOU'RE COVERED IN OILS

MIKE: (Sobbing) I mean, I know she didn't mean it like that, but still…
JESSICA: (Tenderly) You poor guy, I think you need a hug…. Oh, GOD! You're covered in OIL!
MIKE: Yeah, well, I…
JESSICA: Now my clothes are ruined! Thanks a lot!
MIKE: (Sobs)

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