KEVINS SPEECH TO THE DAILY CAL ENDORSEMENT FORUM

Dear pus-encrusted members of the Shady Californian,

I come here today to condemn you as scum-sucking suckbags, full of hatred for all living beings. I spit on your lies. I dream that vultures will pick each hair off your head, leaving you bald, and on your naked scalp I will write 'Here is a bald piece of crap.' If I was alone with your mothers, I would… holy crap! It's my arch-nemesis, Columnist Kevin Deenihan of the Daily Californian!

C: You schmuck! You're full of hatred, not solutions. The Daily Cal provides an essential service for students, timely news.
S: Just because your voice sounds familiar to mine doesn't mean I'll ever agree with you. You used to be cool, Deenihan. Now you're just a $15 a column hack writing about Protests over and over.
C: Ooh, I'm so cool because I make tit jokes for the Heuristic- fucking- Squelch. What a shocker that students laugh at jokes about pee.
S: I see you're using your manly and muscular physique for EVIL, Columnist Deenihan. I represent real change in the ASUC: efficient updating of the ASUC website, responsible renovation of Eshleman and MLK, and throwing out non-rent-paying tenants.
C: You expect the Daily Cal to endorse someone who thinks 'extending time' would require some sort of crazy time machine. Whose sole experience with the ASUC Senate is drinking fake vodka during a meeting to get a stupid Column out of it.
S: Actually, you did that, Columnist Kevin.
C: Oh, right, sorry, Squelch Kevin This is all very confusing, seeing as we're wearing similar ties.
S: Columnist Kevin, I agree with your calls for responsible reform. By melding your calls for responsible reform with my talent as a publicity whore, we'll be unstoppable!
C: Kiss me you fool!

(Sloppy Kiss)
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