Here's my speech to the Daily Cal Endorsement Forum. Don't forget that there's still time to enter your Endorsement Pool picks!

My Fellow Associationers,

Like many of you, I had no idea what the Student Advocate Office did. All I knew was what was in the Daily Cal: that the office was really terrible at winning elections and didn’t like Jews.

However, my perceptions changed when I started following around Student Advocate Dave Madan to see exactly what he did. I went to class with him. I watched him in his office. I rifled through his mail, tapped his phones, and sometimes would break into his apartment late at night, while he slept.

After three weeks of this, I still have no idea what the Student Advocate Office does. However, I am totally in love with Dave Madan. He is so fucking awesome. He makes Mother Theresa look like Cruella de Ville having her period.

Let me describe what make Dave Madan so great. Every morning he gets up at 5 AM in order to jog around Berkeley in order to raise money to fight Tourette’s Syndrome. At 6, he travels around Berkeley collecting stray dogs and cats and finds them good homes with loving children by 7. Sometimes, if the family is poor, he will take care of neutering the pet for free. After serving breakfast at three different soup kitchens, he’ll get to the Student Advocate Office at 8:30 and begin his daily 16 hour workday. He singlehandedly defended 50 students from plagiarism charges thanks to his extensive knowledge of both 16th century medieval literature and C++ coding algorithims. And it was he who talked a sobbing Chancellor Berdahl down from the Campanile, reassuring him that there were many students who liked the Upper Sproul idea.

When the campus gets dark, he dons his dark Student Advocate Man uniform and roams the dark and dangerous parts of campus fighting crime. Since 3/4s of the campus is dangerous after dark, this is no small order. Many students may be wondering who the mysterious 110 pound man is that saved them from assault in the Eucalyptus Grove. That man is Dave Madan.

I could go on and on about how much Dave Madan rocks my world, and about the secret pictures I took of him in the shower. But I’m sure that once you hear him speak, he’ll live up to everything I have just said.

So in conclusion: Vote Dave Madan for Student Advocate. Vote for me second.

I managed to horrify DAAP at the last moment by saying the word 'bitches.' I had actually meant to say 'losers,' but it slipped out wrong. Oops.Email This Post!