My computer broke, so I wrote Suicide Dog instead, but this is the piece that would've run had I had computer access:

Superpowers I have known
By Kevin Deenihan

As genetic splicing and DNA manipulation becomes ever-simpler, it is only a matter of time before our children have Superpowers as a birthright. And not just ordinary Superpowers, like genius intelligence and high self-esteem. So it’s time to evaluate the Superpowers, in order to guide our monkey torturing towards the most productive experiments.

X-RAY VISION:

This is a really great superpower if you enjoy giving your friends cancer. Really, the only good uses for this power are to A) look into safes and B) look at boobs.

LOOKING INTO SAFES:
STEVE: Okay, I’m using my X-Ray vision on the safe…. It’s money and documents again.
DAVE: Do the next one.
STEVE: Also money and documents. They’re all money and documents. That’s what people keep in safes. Money, and documents.

LOOKING AT BOOBS:
DAVE: Wow, it’s Stacey! Check those out!
STEVE: (Sly) You know, I think I will. (Uses X-Ray vision) Oh man. I never would’ve imagined.
DAVE: That good, huh?
STEVE: She has cancer.

TELEPATHY:

Once upon a time this was one of the best powers. Stuck in space? Marooned on an alien planet? Just have the guy with telepathy contact the home base and help is on the way. Unfortunately, now that cell phones exist, being a telepath is essentially like being a large Motorola that always gets five bars, but with no alarm clock.

DAVE: Shit, we’re out of cell range! And Mom and Dad wanted to know when we made it to the cabin!
STEVE: Time for my Telepathy. (Uses Telepathy) MOM AND DAD, WE HAVE MADE IT TO TAHOE.
MOM: Okay, Steven. Tell Dave he forgot his socks.
STEVE: DAVE YOU FORGOT YO-
DAVE: Dude, I’m right here.

PREDICTING THE FUTURE:

This would be a pretty cool power if it didn’t make all your friends so nervous.

DAVE: So… here I am with a cigarette. Gonna start smoking it now.
STEVE: Go ahead.
DAVE: So it’s not cigarettes that will kill me. Hmm… Okay, now I’m going outside to play Russian Roulette.
STEVE: Before you do that, can you pay me back the money you owe me?
DAVE: Ah-HA!
STEVE: Psych! You actually die in a boating accident.

TELEPORTATION:

The strange thing about Teleportation is that everyone gets way more excited about the ability to fly. Yet no one thinks about important details like wind chill, crosswinds, and how when you fly at night mountains tend to look like friendly clouds. Teleportation gets the job done.

FRENCH TEACHER: Steve, what is the future tense of the verb ‘etre?’
STEVE: (Poof) (Poof) I understand it’s ‘avoir’

LASER BEAM EYES:

Would it be wrong to point out that the entire point of eyes is that things go into them? So why are laser beams inevitably coming out of eyes? The logical choice for making a gun out of part of the body should be the human penis: it shoots when triggered, needs to be reloaded, and is normally between 4 and 6 inches long.. Although using the urinary tract to shoot laser beams would be tough for girls, as they would have to sit down to shoot bad guys.

STEVE: Oh Suzie… oh Suzie… ohhhhh! (BLAM!) …..Shit! It happened again!

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